The word "no" is incredibly easy to pronounce, yet many people find it hard to say despite the fact that others use it quite often and nonchalantly about them. Many are not able to answer a person with a refusal. There are people who, not wanting to offend another, categorically refuse to say “no”, expecting some negative consequences in case of refusal.
There are many reasons why they cannot protect against manipulation and say that simple word. As a result of constant continuous violence against oneself, a person earns stress. It makes no sense to bring your psyche to such an extreme. Polite refusal can make your life much easier.
In this article, we will try to carefully understand why it is sometimes so difficult to say “no” and learn how to learn to refuse people.
Why is it so hard to say "no"
Many people agree in cases where they would gladly say no. Why is this happening? In fact, saying “yes” is much easier, because such an answer, despite internal violence against oneself, is more comfortable for many. When a person agrees to any request, in most cases he can count on gratitude and a positive attitude towards himself. When you say "yes" to your boss, work colleague, or unknown passerby on the street, you have every chance to feel affection and sympathy for yourself.
Refusal is inextricably linked with the need to argue one’s “no”, thereby heating up the situation between people. When you say no, you may feel 100% that you did the right thing, but still have some inner discomfort because you feel like you weren't responsive enough. You may even feel guilty about not helping the person.
Low self-esteem can also cause people to be unable to say no. This quality is formed in childhood. If the parents loved the child just for who he is, then he will not have problems with self-esteem. Such people are able to say “no” absolutely independently of someone else's opinion without any feeling of guilt. A person does not even think about making excuses to someone. He just says "no" just because it would be best for him.
If a person is overly educated, then he has a risk of becoming a trouble-free person. The fear of appearing ill-bred becomes the reason that a person simply cannot imagine how to politely refuse. To get rid of such a complex, it is enough to understand one simple truth: the word “no” in no way violates the norms of decency, and in some situations even strengthens them.
Another reason why people can't refuse is because they don't understand the significance of refusal.
Why is it important to learn how to say "no"?
When you politely refuse a person, you can save yourself wasted hours, days, or even months of your personal time. This way you won't fall into the so-called promise trap.
A trouble-free person initially remains in a disadvantageous position for himself. Such a person will be constantly used by everyone in their interests, and the person himself will neglect his own. The importance of mutual assistance cannot be denied, since it is an important component of normal relations between people. But, constantly fulfilling someone's requests, while ignoring their personal interests, a person acquires a reputation as a spineless personality that can be used without a twinge of conscience.
The desire to learn to say "no" will instantly stop any manipulation from those around you. In addition, failing to refuse any request, we run the risk of letting down the person who turned to us for help, because the lack of time, desire and strength to do something will lead to inefficient completion of the task. In the case when you are unable to cope with a problem, it is best to refuse immediately than to force a person to place certain hopes on you. Remember that by constantly responding positively to any requests, you run the risk of completely losing touch with your own "I", not realizing what you yourself really want.
When will you realize how to say no to a person, you will gain considerable respect in your social circles. When you say "no", it does not mean at all that you become unnecessary for people. There are many different options for how to confirm your indispensability and uniqueness.
Successful people know the simple recipe for success. To do this, you need to do only what causes admiration and enthusiasm. In order to weed out uninteresting and useless tasks, you just need to learn how to say “no”.
To achieve unprecedented career growth and to learn how to manage your life, you must be able to firmly and impartially refuse when your heart tells you, and agree where your intuition says “this is really what you need!
Learning to Say No - How to Learn to Say No
The main mistake of people who do not know how to say "no", lies in the fact that they do not realize that any person can enter into their position in the same way that they can do it. However, if you see any signs of aggression as a reaction to your refusal, you should definitely consider whether it makes sense to contact someone who completely ignores your interests.
Don't let people slow you down on your way to goal. If any request seems insignificant compared to your plans, then you should definitely answer with a 100% refusal. You should not simplify the life of another person to the detriment of your own happiness. Remember that you have your own life, work, interests, leisure and hobbies.
In order to understand how to refuse correctly, you need to clearly identify your life priorities. For example, in the first place you put the peace and well-being of your family, in the second - your career, and in the third - hobbies and hobbies. Don't forget these things when you're hesitating between yes and no.
If an expression that says that even a dead fish can easily go with the flow, but only one that has a backbone will go against it. If you are not a spineless creature, show strength of character and determination when it is necessary to refuse, and remember that you have the right to refuse in any case when the request is contrary to your interests.
You need to grope and strengthen your resolve. Before making a decision, be sure to think about the motives of this or that person, decide whether his request really plays into your hands. Make a decision in your head about the refusal and confidently express it to the interlocutor.
When you say "no", be sure to use the pronoun "I". Briefly justify your refusal so that the person understands why they came across your “no”. You should not mumble and show any signs of insecurity, because such behavior will either lead to a conflict situation, or your vulnerable position will still be taken advantage of, and you will again say an unwanted “yes”. Refuse as firmly and concisely as possible so that the interlocutor does not have a desire to persuade you.
Remember that your posture and intonation should speak of your confidence. It is very important.
Some psychologists advise you to record in a special notebook those moments when you failed to answer “no”. It is necessary to assess in what situations and with what people this happened more often. It is necessary to describe the feelings you experience at such moments, and also to think about how you should have behaved in this or that situation.
How to say no to someone - how to say no
In cases where you know for sure that you will refuse a person, you should not interrupt him. Give him the opportunity to fully express himself. Refusal should not look like a spit on his interests with high mountain. In order to show the absence of indifference towards the asker, you can show the person any alternatives way out of the situation. It must be understood that very often we have to refuse proposals or requests to which, under other circumstances or at another time, we would have agreed. So don't forget to offer various options solving certain problems.
It is good when the refusal must be in writing, even if the communication takes place in real time. You always have time to think about your "no". If you are contacting a person verbally, never respond immediately, arguing that you need to think. This wording will simultaneously prepare the person for a possible rejection and give you the opportunity to buy some time to justify your “no”.
When you finally decide to say no, think through everything you plan to say. You are unlikely to refuse something very pleasant, so your emotions can be very diverse.
It should be borne in mind that your refusal will in most cases be followed by another attempt to convince you. Listen to your partner without interrupting. Voice your refusal again, if necessary - several times. This technique is called "broken record". Form clear, understandable arguments.
In order to make your refusal a little softer, you can use the so-called “Refuse with understanding” technique. Let the interlocutor know that you sympathize with their problem, and convince them that there is nothing you can do to help. this moment. It will not be superfluous to add how important it is for you to trust a person in you.
Summing up all of the above, we note that no matter how you try to manipulate, you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Often, a firm “no” without unnecessary ranting is enough for no one else to ever think of using you for their own purposes.
You should also not go to extremes, refusing any requests. Remember that the decision to fulfill this or that request should be your own, and not the product of the manipulation of another person.
Quite often it happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.
Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests, sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?
First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task with which the asker can perfectly cope on his own, spending a little more time and effort, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.
They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.
Ability to handle different forms of rejection
There are several simple ways, which can help, how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future”, that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.
If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.
Refusal does not mean offending
In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when a request is made by an unfamiliar or not too close person. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.
When someone close asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but even here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.
The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion
Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.
Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.
Deny…temporarily
Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.
If it turns out to be simple enough, you can meet halfway, but when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to employment or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.
Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"
Partial "no"
Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of the character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.
For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:
- only on certain days of the week
- only in good weather
- no more than 15 minutes
On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.
What about "yes"?
It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. Always put first own desires and priorities, and even in those cases when one of the acquaintances was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you - bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!
3 123 0 Hello! In this article, we will talk about how to learn to say “no” or how to properly refuse people.Are you familiar with situations when you are asked for something, and you agree, although the inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society, and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among the brave and self-confident as well. Why is it so hard to say no? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?
Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?
- Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in a strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always unconditionally obey or begin to protest against everything around. In the first case, they carry into adulthood the habit of obeying and fulfilling the requests of others.
- Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts are usually spinning in my head: “What will he think of me? Suddenly finds me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after that? Usually, the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences is stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
- Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
- The need to feel your own importance. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often, these strings are played by manipulators. “Except for you, perhaps no one can cope with this” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
- Fear of being alone. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
- delicacy, courtesy. If these qualities are developed excessively, and a person is used to sacrificing his own interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to him an extremely difficult task. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how beautiful it is to refuse a request.
- Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, it is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, it is difficult to defend one's opinion.
Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say "no"
What does the inability to say "no" and the constant provision of services to other people lead to?
- By regularly responding to requests, you exhaust internal resources especially if you do it against your will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be the consequences of this.
For example, you are loaded with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.
- Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are inclined to, you end up looking in the eyes of those around you as spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
- Once in a while, fulfilling the requests of other people, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant dependability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to avoid responsibility, and others.
For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan, because she does not know how to “live within her means”, correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. Fulfilling her request, you allow her to plunge more and more into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to openly talk to a friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?
- You regularly sacrifice your interests, deeds, time, fulfilling someone else's will. You can even stop developing spiritually, giving it all your strength.
For example, a neighbor asks you every Saturday to babysit her all day and evening. You agree by refusing to go to the gym and visit your parents. However, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.
- Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people, avoid communicating with them.
How to say "no" and be able to politely refuse a person
So, it is necessary to correctly refuse to fulfill a request in situations where:
- you are used and constantly contacted;
- indeed, there is no time, opportunity (according to different reasons) do what is asked;
- you are very tired;
- what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, values.
The first step towards developing the ability to say “no” is to admit that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.
Then look at situations where you didn't want to comply with a request but couldn't say no. How do they affect your life? Which negative consequences lead? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike for one's reliability and a desire to get rid of it.
After that, you need to move on to actions and consolidate a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a girlfriend (friend).
How to politely refuse to communicate with a person
- Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror. Present the request of someone from your environment, formulate a phrase of refusal. Say it until you like its sound and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play this situation with you. After training, track how you feel.
- It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or make a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) asking for something - adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
- Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, on automatism. The pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh the key points, and cope with the excitement.
- Always make eye contact when you say no. This indicates your confidence and firm decision. Indistinct phrases and a glance "past" the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctantly.
- Start small - at first, refuse minor requests, such as lending money or meeting a friend.
- When refusing, speak in your own name, use the pronoun "I": "Unfortunately, I can not help you", "I hate to do this", etc.
- Do not use excuses, it reduces respect for you. Rejection should sound firm, but calm.
- Before you say no, always listen to the person. So you show respect for him and you yourself will have time to find the right words.
- Be sure to explain to the person your refusal, tell why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
- Voice your feelings, for example: “I’m, of course, upset (upset) that I can’t help best friend(to a friend)."
- Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or to whom it is better to turn to fulfill the request.
- How to refuse to work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I can’t fulfill these duties, because everything is spent on the project I’m doing. working time” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”
Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that it is your legal right to have personal time and valuables. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled "here and now."
Practical Tips and real life examples. Why is it important to learn how to say “no”?
I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - this is . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?
In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.
Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?
But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.
I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.
I'd love to, but...
Another good way refuse. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".
To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this.
This is by no means a translation of the arrows.
If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.
I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite get it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it’s not because you’re just too lazy or you don’t want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.
Somehow, you have to figure out for yourself whether you really want to do this. You can only respond to an offer if you have clearly decided whether you need it or not. Tell yourself: “No, I don’t need it!”.
Say "no" to your interlocutor. Don't be afraid to offend the person. If you do everything right, then resentment or obvious anger will not follow. Justify your refusal. Give reasons for which you cannot or do not want to fulfill the request. When speaking, use the pronoun "I" more often. Speak clearly without confusion. No, just argue!
State the reason for the refusal. The reason can be both real and fictional. However, remember that it should be understandable to the interlocutor. He must agree with you and accept your refusal. Don't be rude and don't be harsh. Speak calmly, fix your eyes on the bridge of the interlocutor's nose. A shifty look and uncertainty can make it clear to the interlocutor that you feel uncomfortable, and he will put pressure on you.
Refuse by doing . When refusing, say something nice to the interlocutor. For example, you might say, "Great idea, but...". A person must understand that you want to fulfill his request and, if it weren’t for the circumstances, you would definitely fulfill it.
Repeat your denial. Psychologists say that a person needs to hear a refusal three times before he realizes that it is no longer possible to obtain consent. Be. Answer all persuasions with a firm refusal. Be calm and control yourself.
Train with friends. Ask a friend to pester you with a request. Refuse him. Ask him to point out your shortcomings and mistakes when refusing: a shifty look, an uncertain voice,. Over time, rejection will be much easier for you.
Remember: when you refuse a person, you are not deliberately offending him, but you are doing what you need.
Sources:
- Encyclopedia of Practical Psychology
Instruction
You should start simple - be aware of the problem. Without this, it will be impossible to change the situation. Try to understand how selfless your relationship is. If analyzed, it is not difficult to see the motives that drive your friend, loved one or colleague.
Try to identify the moments that seem suspicious to you, and then gently and tactfully close in any little thing. After that, watch his reaction. If a person does not pay special attention to what happened, nothing threatens your relationship. But if a person shows and tries to get something from you again, it’s better to tune in in advance for a quick break