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Asks: Anastasia
Hello. I am 29 years old. To my husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old. The husband works in the field of vehicle maintenance. At first they worked, then they started making money. The first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, career ladder... And I'm at home with my son. I am a good hostess, many people praise me. Fighting at first not very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight it, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. After 3 years, the second son was born. I, without leaving the first decree, went to the second. I understand that my husband was not interested in me. Apart from the news about children, there is nothing to talk to me about. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of the decree degrade as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and completely returned to shape. He loves children very much, but spends with them literally half an hour in 4-5 days when he comes home to change. And now, literally six months ago, my husband began to be absent for a day, then for two. He explained this by being busy at work, then leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel. 2 months ago I found out that he had a relationship on the side. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they like nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It's scary to think, but I suppose that besides weed, there is also something more serious. He was engaged in small business, in addition to his main job. Spins like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all the time with his mistress. In fact, he is really torn between work, business, family and lover. When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. As it seems to me, trying to make amends with this. We do not need money either. He can't look me in the eye. And I cannot understand whether this is a feeling of guilt or is it just dislike. I do not arrange scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him even more away. But it is very difficult to meet with a smile a husband who comes in 5 days from another woman. I have lost a lot of weight. Seeing what became of me on the nerves, he pity me. Says: "What a fool I am, what have I done to you." But still nothing changes. I am very worried, I love him madly, I am ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. how the fact of treason was discovered - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame, he constantly leaves the conversation. Although I'm sure it can't go on like this. He has to make a decision.
Psychologists' Answers
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna
Psychologist Moscow
Hello Anastasia! let's see what's going on:
Fighting at first not very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.
and this is the beginning of alcoholism! it is worthwhile to think about it - a person is prone to addictions, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children - he still drinks! It means that he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)
2 months ago I found out that he had a relationship on the side. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they like nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It's scary to think, but I suppose that besides weed, there is also something more serious.
this is a continuation of his fatigue and immaturity - he shows in general his irresponsible position! and for you it is worth noting that it is NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a way of life! think - what HIM DO YOU LOVE - what is he REALLY like? or the way you would like it to be ???
maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is changing, that all this continues - ACCEPT it all - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept it too! and seeing his choices, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him NOT to make decisions, but why? wife KNOWS and accepts! relationship with a mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations - very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until they DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or the mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make the decision YOURSELF - YOU ARE CHANGING ??? if NO, then the way out is not to wait until he understands this, but to resolve the situation herself - to show it to him and to yourself! while you are in a relationship with him - he has no motivation to change anything! the decision is still YOU to make!
Alekhina Elena Vasilievna
Psychologist Moscow
At this time, this psychologist does not answer the questions of site visitors. You can ask a question to other psychologists 
Anastasia,
to find out that a beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And having met with him, you can behave in different ways. But the majority of women behave, unfortunately, in a stereotypical manner: they expose, present and demand from a man to decide with whom he is.
It is known where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be fulfilled later and to an obvious break when the spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she gets stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.
Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.
First of all, you put the responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And he is rushing about, and between what and what, let's try to understand.
It seems that between family, beloved wife, children and vivid sexual experiences, supported by alcohol and possibly drugs.
He got carried away because he got married early, because he is young, because he is emotional, because he needs a drive and because he is a man ...
And it is difficult for him now. He tries to accept the difficult, but correct solution... And this is his business, his work, his life test.
And what about you? You need to decide if you need it. Are you ready to fight for your family, for your love.
If you are ready, then instead of "madly" loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and how grown woman.
Think you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change yourself and your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not one day's work, but this daily work.
Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman is not the same thing. You focused on being a mother, but forgot about being a loving and loved woman.
Consider starting individual work with a psychologist (you can on Skype) in the direction of disclosing and developing your female potential. You can contact me.
All the best,
Sincerely
Alekhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow
06.11.2013 | 1399
www.all-psy.com
Husband rushes between me and his mistress
I am 36 years old my husband is 39 we lived for 17 years never even fought. We have two children 13 and 11 years old. We live in a village, there is no work here, I don't work, but my husband works in the city. A year and a half ago, my husband had a woman in the city for a year, I didn't know anything, then I accidentally found out and he confessed everything. We talked about everything, he said that he loves me and does not want to leave the children.
The next day he called this woman and said that he was staying in the family, he asked me for forgiveness, I forgave him. He is a very good father and loves his children and I first of all thought about children too. A few days later he went on a business trip, he called and talked no matter how At the end of the trip, he stopped by her again, he knew that he knew about it, stayed there for 2 days and then came home.
Again he asked for forgiveness, swore in love, and said that he could not be there for more than two days. I don’t want to destroy the family, so I forgive everything. Moreover, I don’t keep him saying if you leave, leave forever, but he doesn’t want to leave. This has been going on for half a year. Of course, there is simply no strength anymore. The most important thing is that trust has gone from the family. I think this is the most important thing.
A month ago, he made up his mind and left said that forever but after 8 days he returned says that he can't live without us that he loves he asked for forgiveness he said he wants to start all over again. I don’t know how to be deceived so many times. I won’t date that woman. I seem to want to keep my family together and I can’t believe him anymore.
I'm at home, he is on a business trip, how do I know, maybe he calls her, maybe he negotiates something. All these thoughts and mistrust gnaw at me every day. I don't know how to behave with him, he pretends that everything is fine because for all the time of his betrayals in sex life we have not changed, we can say it became even better. The feeling of resentment was replaced by distrust and the expectation that he would leave me.
I am an optimist by nature and used to analyze everything before making any decision, but now I don’t know how to be, how to behave, how to regain trust. Help advice want advice from a psychologist. My husband rushes between me and his mistress and does not know whom to choose, says I love both. All this time I have been fighting to preserve my family, but I simply do not have the strength.
feedest.ru
Does your husband rush between you and your mistress? How to be?
The husband rushes between you and his mistress, how to get out of the love triangle as a winner? Read the answer!
Greetings. Victoria Vlasova with you. I help women return loved ones, maintain relationships if they are on the verge of breaking up. And I know exactly how you can improve your personal life using my author's technique.
I will reveal the topic of today's article using the example of Polina's story. She wrote to me by mail.
Polina writes:
Hello Victoria! I have a difficult period in my life. The husband went to another, without explaining himself, meanly, secretly. We have been married for almost 20 years. This situation has been going on for the fourth year already.
Does not want to get divorced, rushes about, avoids conversation. I see it is difficult for him, but he does not want to put a point on someone either. When I decide to put an end to myself, he again appears and gives some hope for the family and again everything went in a circle.
I'm tired, lost my health, a terrible prolonged depression ... Of course, I would like to keep my family, lived well, but tired, no health, life is a burden. Children are adults, their families, their chores, I was left alone. I don't know what to do, how to act, how to live, but I understand that this should no longer continue ...
What to do if the husband rushes between you and his mistress
Polina, I understand you. That it is hard and offensive for you. From practice, I noticed that some men are in no hurry to put a full stop, but leave a comma. Now let's ponder why?
The man lived a long time with his wife. He studied her, knows all her strong and weak sides... Can easily predict her behavior and mood. And he left for another, because something did not suit him in marriage.
So, on one side of the scale, the book read is the wife, and on the second - the mysterious stranger.
A man is afraid to completely break off relations with his wife, because if it does not work out with his mistress, he can always go back. And he knows that his wife will accept and forgive him. Such a vicious circle can drag on for years ...
In this situation, the man wins. Because he sits on two chairs. And he sits because he is allowed by women who are afraid of losing and peacefully endure.
Your actions
If the wife wants to bring her husband back. She must stop being comfortable and always at hand. It's easy to say, but difficult to do on your own.
To do this, you must:
- Remove the fear of losing a man. Because you cannot do anything if you are under the influence of fear. Stabilize your inner state.
- Raise your value and importance.
- Take control of the situation in your own hands. Communicate when it is convenient for you, and not when a man wants to.
Girls, I describe in detail how to do all this in my training “How to return a loved one using magic SMS”. Since 5 hours of material and various nuances, I can't tell you in one article, as you understand. That is why I have recorded the training for you.
You can register here ...
Registration for training
Apply the technique and improve your personal life. The training is online and you can take it from anywhere in the world and whenever it suits you.
I will repeat myself - it is very difficult to get out of this vicious circle on your own. I am ready to help you, if you allow me to. With the help of my method, hundreds of women have successfully established their personal lives. You can do that too.
Review
For example, my student Margarita brought her husband back to the family using the strategy from the training.
She doubted exactly like you, did not believe, was afraid, but very much wanted to be with her beloved man. And she took a chance and did not regret it for a second. Step by step, their relationship was restored. I will not say that it is an easy process. Not at all. But there are chances.Girls, if you want to make up with your partner. I invite you to my training. Together we will move towards your goal. You will have a step-by-step strategy and support and answers to all your questions.
You are much more likely to get things right when you understand how to position yourself, what to write and what to say. Than to leave it as it is, or to act at random.
Registration for training
If you have any questions, ask in the comments.
And I will give you some more examples of the successful return of men:
If you want me to delve into your unique situation and help you figure it out. Answered your questions, sign up for a consultation with me!
viktoria-vlasova.ru
DEDICATED TO ALL WIVES AND LOVERS !!!
The love triangle itself contradicts the happiness of three people. When feelings cool down in the family, a mistress appears. I never judge mistresses. Alas, feeling does not choose either free men or free women. Each of us today can be a wife, and tomorrow a lover, and vice versa. At first, a lover is satisfied with the state of affairs when she is in the background, and then the euphoria passes and the woman feels used. There is a feeling that you are simply being used as an alternate airfield and relegated to the third, fourth, fifth plan. The mistress keeps someone else's husband in good shape and introduces an element of intrigue into the relationship. But here the man's sexual need is satisfied, and he stops being angry with his wife. In addition, the spouse feels guilty in front of the other half, forgives her any actions and tries to do something pleasant. For example, he begins to give gifts. We like to condemn women who have agreed to become mistresses. They say, they say, they break the family. In fact, the "homeless women" themselves are most often held captive by their own illusions. There are no perfect marriages. An exemplary family man once falls in love and begins to build relationships on the side. And this is not a banal adultery. It is possible that a man still loves his wife and is simply trying to get what he lacks within the framework of marriage. Most often it is passion and sex with a feeling of novelty, that is, sexual needs that are dull and do not give satisfaction in the family. Over the years sex life couples become boring, unnerving and even insipid. Many are the least interested in the intimate sphere. One of the partners still feels young and full of energy, and he is not satisfied with a sluggish life. So a lover or mistress appears in a couple. Parallel relationships arise when emptiness and inferiority are acutely felt. A man still wants to feel attractive, needed, loved. He is the first to feel the lack of emotional warmth. Perhaps, at first, a married man and a mistress are simply connected good sex, but it can also happen that they will really bond with each other. Even if this is not just passion, but the most that neither is love, a rare representative of the stronger sex is able to make a sharp choice between a habit and a new relationship. He is tormented by a sense of guilt before the lawful half and rushes between his wife and lover. A husband, wife and lover situation can last for years. Often, everyone suffers. The wife suffers, who gave her husband her best years... The mistress suffers, who for years has lived in hope and dream. A man suffers who does not want to lose either one or the other. There is either a breakup, or the creation of a family more High Quality... If there is no development in the triangle, two just meet and do not take specific steps towards each other, you need to run away from such a relationship. It will drag on long years, and one day the mistress will realize that a married man is a waste of her years. Anyone who really wants to change their lives will not delay, but will take a decisive step within a year. Therefore, in order not to be excruciatingly painful, it is better to consider a married lover as a temporary hobby, until there is a more worthy candidate. There are a lot of cases when a man leaves the family, creates a new one and after a while becomes a lover ex-wife... He begins to leave for his former family, ostensibly to help, because now the former household members are left alone. They are not strangers to him, he cannot refuse them. And one day he will say at all: - I can't. Pulls me there ... - You can't, so come back. - Understand, you are better than her, - the man will begin to make excuses. - With you, life is like a luxury resort. And from any resort you always want to return home. A man will pack his things and return to his abandoned family. And there are still options when, after returning, he again begins to rush between two women. The stronger sex is afraid of change. Men are held back by many everyday habits. For men, the word "love" is most often associated with sex, but not with life together. For them, marriage is a familiar way of life. For years a man can convince his mistress that he will leave for her forever, and even begins to believe in it himself, but subconsciously looks for an excuse to postpone this decision indefinitely. Men are terrible owners. Even having created a new family, many of them will not tolerate their ex-wife to arrange a personal life. Seeing in his apartment a stranger who, like a father, communicates with someone else's daughter or son, and behaves as if this is his territory, many immediately become enraged. Often, the news of the ex-wife's new chosen one stimulates a man to a new wave of feelings, and he does everything possible to return to his native land. The instinct of possessiveness can push him into the arms of his ex. The main reason for the love triangle is the stagnation in the relationship of the couple. There is no movement - and there is no development, and what does not move - as you know, dies. This also applies to the sexual sphere. Over the years, people stop wanting each other. In this situation, it is important to throw in the firewood in time, so that the slightly smoldering fire does not finally go out, leaving two in the ashes past love... The words of my beloved Coco Chanel are always close to me: "To be irreplaceable, you must always change." Therefore, in any family there must be a dynamic relationship that both partners must work on. Only then will the union of the two be strong and reliable. Many women, having married, calm down. It is believed that the man is already in the stall and will not go anywhere. When the relationship is completely wrong, the mistress is just an excuse to leave the family. Otherwise, the strength is on the side of the wife, because she is more familiar and dearer. Cheating can destroy a family, or it can strengthen it. A man sometimes realizes that better than women You do not exist than your own wife. It is important that girls who have entered into relationships with married people understand that a man starts a relationship on the side not at all because he has stopped loving his spouse. It is not always so. With his eternal promises to divorce, he drives a new beloved into a trap, deprives her of tomorrow and does everything possible to bind to himself as tightly as possible. Taking someone else's husband out of the family is not the greatest happiness. There is no guarantee that someone will not take him away from you. After you get together and begin to live together, the man will still seek a better life. I never engage in moralizing and do not want to condemn women who have lovers and men who have mistresses. This is life. We are all trying to find a person next to whom we will be happy and build a relationship on love, intimacy and respect. Do not despair and wait for your happiness! Don't waste your time on frivolous affairs. Whoever you are - a wife or a lover, let's understand and forgive each other. And now a few tips for wives and lovers, because I am for female solidarity. 1. Love your man not for words, but for actions. Words are nothing. Actions are everything 2. If you want to live with this man, consider which life is better: with or without him. 3. Never look for excuses for those male actions that cannot be justified. 4. Love yourself more than him, then any pain that HE inflicts on you will not be able to unsettle you and hurt you badly. Remember that you are a PERSONALITY, do not get addicted and do not give all of yourself completely. 6. I don't believe in misalliance. Checked on myself. A man should be your equal. Alas, life shows that misalliance is not viable. 7. Know that you can always influence circumstances. Don't become a pawn for manipulation. Whatever status you are in - wife or mistress, you should always be active and strong. 8. No matter how fate strikes you, raise your head and straighten your shoulders. You are the most charming and attractive. Don't even dare to doubt it. If your husband left for another - silently sympathize with that woman, because it is still unknown who was lucky. Now your ex-husband- her problem and headache ... You have freedom ahead of you. Breathe deeply and remember that you have the right ONE MORE LOVE. If your man decided to stay in the same family, sincerely wish him happiness and be glad that everything was so successfully resolved, because the status of an eternal lover is not for you. Stop sitting on the bench, it's time to move to the first team. Just to raise your self-esteem, which you were so skillfully broken by a married man. Now you need to go in search of YOUR man. Stop using someone else's. Let's fight for the purity of the relationship. It's such a happiness to be the only one with a man. Honestly, I was both a wife and a mistress ... It all depends on the person who is nearby. One made me the happiest wife, the other - the most unhappy wife ... I was able to take someone else's husband out of the family, but I soon realized that he was not at all the one I needed. I just took someone else's, but I still could not feel it with my own ... Years later, I came to the conclusion that marriage is one of the games of society. I don’t play these games yet. It is very difficult for me to exist within the framework of marriage. If a woman respects herself and loves - no matter what her status is - a wife or a mistress, she will not allow herself to humiliate herself in front of a man, to be dependent on him. The main thing is not to convince yourself that without a man life loses its meaning. We ourselves have the right to choose with whom and when to be. And let the stronger sex adapt to us. I do not want to oppose wives to mistresses and judge who is better and who is worse. Both need to learn to love and understand their men. My happiness is my freedom. I went to this too long and paid too high a price. I am free from stereotypes, patterns, critical views, prejudices and other people's opinions. I am happy that I can remain myself and keep my I. Happiness and freedom in my understanding are harmonious parts of a single whole. This is the state of my soul and the state of my spirit. I am the creator of my own happiness. It all depends only on me, on my look and attitude towards myself. I am happy that I live, I can see and share my feelings with others. I am happy that my loved ones are alive and well. I am happy that I can see the foliage falling, and in winter I can catch soft and fluffy snow in my palms, grab snowflakes with my mouth, as in childhood. I am happy when a new day begins and a bright sun shines on the street. I am happy that I am free to do whatever I want. And also because I have found harmony with myself, I know how to realize my abilities and enjoy every given moment. HAPPINESS needs to SEE and FEEL. There is so much beauty around!
www.inpearls.ru
The husband has a mistress, now rushes between her and the family
Hello Tatiana! Look at the situation through the eyes of the Husband! What will you see? if, literally in 2 words, then he confessed to you his "weaknesses or strengths" when he told about his connection, Sex for men is pure water physiology! And what calls up is a memory and just communication on common topics! it is possible that he himself informed her that he told you everything! Instead of understanding him, sorting out this situation, supporting him morally and forgiving! (and this is what he was expecting from you when he told you everything, because he was tormented by a certain feeling of guilt), so to speak, the internal tension, which did not give rest! He received a mountain of reproaches and scandals, and of course he regretted 1000 times that he had told you everything!
It is very good that you understand that you constantly remind him of her! it really means a lot!
He cannot forget her, because there he was less uncomfortable than with you, this is how our Brain works! If you want to return it - return trust, understanding and forgiveness! For Men: you have to overcome yourself very much in order to admit this! And why did he decide to leave: in her face he sees a friend, like-minded person, and in your face Who are you for him?
If you want to return your Husband, then just start communicating with him. show that you are no longer interested in this topic, that you completely trust him, stop controlling him. Become his support, inspire him to conquer the peaks, diversify relationships by going to themed parties (theater, cinema tour, hiking - whatever you like). Let him feel You are a man (with a capital letter), Tell him that this whole situation was given to you in order to rethink our relationship! And start building Relationships anew!
And there is one more reason for that. why he decided to divorce, he sees how you suffer! And it hurts him to see! The natural instinct is to run, hide, divorce! this is a natural process, most likely in his head, and you divorce and he will not build anything with her! Remain Alone!
In principle, I gave a detailed answer to all your questions! so watch and act! God endowed the man with strength, and the woman with Wisdom!
Dmitry Chernikov, psychologist Saratov
www.all-psy.com
Husband is torn between me and his mistress
"The husband went to his mistress, but lives with me!" Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. For two last month received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.Once upon a time, they did not grieve, they raised children (they are still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband went to his mistress.
But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, he even transported some of the things - but he still lives at home. He takes care of children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to make gifts.
And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?
Well, I will share my view based on experience and observations. I must say right away that the husband can be returned, but it requires colossal efforts. So colossal that I strongly doubt their feasibility.
What's happening?
In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often, no more than three. And this is not without reason. It is highly likely that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but they ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has a mouth full of trouble with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active movement around the city, the opportunity to stay ... All this creates conditions for the emergence new woman in life.
This is what happens to many men - they find themselves a new spouse.
It is important to note - it is the spouse. From her, he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as a father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in the current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to the spouse as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.
In other words, a man remains a father (he takes care of children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to make gifts), but he ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his spouse. Hence the desire to find a new spouse. For many, this desire is embodied in a new connection on the side.
Such a relationship is rarely beneficial to a marriage - we note this especially. In throwing "I don't go there either, and I don't stay here," the man brings his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.
According to the mind, of course, you shouldn't start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now desperately needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, do not hurt her.
In the end, be a man - say bluntly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize an opportunity to be spouses (hand over the child to your grandmother or fall asleep yourself and let your wife rest or think of something else). Everything can be improved without "turning" to a mistress.
Alas, not everyone is so sensible.
What to do next?
Depends on the woman's goal and individual reaction to cheating. If cheating is causing any noticeable pain, then the following approach is not at all about you. Here it is better to go for a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the final). You can start like this: “Some kind of toughness in our relationship has begun. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you were carried to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start differently.I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went to look for something on the side. "
Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.
But it can even reach a divorce, then - as a curve will take out.
But if you do not hurt from infidelity (if it can happen at all), then you can go the other way.
In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, his wife is hammering him, on the other, his mistress is pressing him, who demands that he finally get divorced, as long as he can pull (however, the man is not at all sorry - it could not be otherwise, he had to think before ). The way out for the wife is to become a party that does not require anything.
It is important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see. It's not about indulging a man, they say, honey, it's great that you have a mistress. It's not about keeping your face up and pretending nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.
I'm talking about the absence of requirements. Well, there, you know, how it happens: "Be determined - either I, or she!", "How long can all this go on!" etc. These requirements should not be categorical. That is, in general. And then it might work.
This is a common paradox family life- the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they are pressing from both sides, the person is more likely to move to the one where they are not pressing.
Well, he can still choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this is rarely the case.
In this case - again, please read carefully! - the absence of requirements does not mean that the wife of a traitor smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. sincere expression of your feelings is very useful and encouraged in every possible way. Simply put, if you feel like crying, cry. And let the husband see.
Yes, you don't need to demand a decision from him, but you don't need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful here too - just such a case.
True, here again a serious question must be raised - will the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year, and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.
And, perhaps, this is correct. The concepts “We must live with the child’s father”, “If a man left (or did not come) is your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “such is the woman’s lot” - are utterly stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails, she is completely smeared.
So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.
Tags: Treason,
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What does a man do when he finds himself in a situation between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?
Between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?
Women regularly turn to me with a request for help - they need to "discourage" her husband's mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.
And I tell everyone the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a man (in this case, a husband) cannot decide anything in such situations. Can't just physically.
Let's explain it on my fingers.
In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work collective, a resident of an entrance, a member of a theater studio, a son, grandson, friend, matchmaker, godfather, brother, and so on.
Man belongs to these systems with varying degrees of attachment. And - what is important! - the more attractive the system is to him, the more he is attached to it, the more the system attracts him.
Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it can be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and no more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive, to bind to it.
I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article "How to Unravel in Your Life", but here we will simply fix - a person lives in such systems and these systems differ in the degree of attractiveness.
While we live in a situation that different systems varying degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - priorities are set, goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and the compote on the third.
Problems begin where both systems become equally attractive.
For example, a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not wrapped up in children and everyday life, she is always happy and available in a sexual sense. The lover system is undeniably attractive.
But the wife - with her there was a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, common children, a well-established way of life, a fair amount of weariness. The “wife” system is attractive, albeit in a different way, but no less.
This is where this crazy swing begins, when a man decides, they say, everything, go to his mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind a crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her always .... And in a week he is going back - home, to his wife.
At this moment, the wife is happy, the children relaxed, everything fell into place…. And after a week, the man is going back - there, to his mistress.
It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed, since he cannot decide (and if so, something can be done to help him make a decision).
In fact, he is being torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person cannot use it.
To break apart in such a situation is extremely natural for a person. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off the tail (for lack of a tail).
He cannot, a person simply cannot take and choose in such a situation - he does not have sufficient resources in his head for this.
And here we come to the most difficult moment - to the solution of this situation.
I assure you, you will not like it. However, I believe that a bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, at least in some questions.
Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has a task to keep a man (although why is he needed this?), Then you need to wait and endure.
The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all the others, it is the most effective. So to speak - the best among the worst.
Here's the thing - in such a collision of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to stay attractive, you need not press.
Indeed, at some point, the mistress will say, they say, it's enough to live in two houses, it's time to decide, and then her attractiveness for a man will begin to decline sharply (I know what I'm talking about, I constantly come across this at work).
And the wife at this time is silent and does not demand anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife remains at the same level, it is drawn to her.
There is no need to choose here - he came back, he doesn't pull anywhere else, everything is the same again. That's the end of the fairy tale.
One trouble is to endure and wait very, incredibly, exclusively, monstrously difficult (and, by the way, as a rule, for a very long time - until three years, it happens). Few people will be able to survive all this.
And here is the question for the woman - is she ready for such tests for the sake of this man. There is no correct answer here, everyone decides for herself.
One thing I can say for sure - other options are even more hopeless in terms of the result (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.
Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does it not out of malice and not out of weakness of will, but because of a kind of "failure" in the work of the head. This "failure" cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife to experience it. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will survive are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether the woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not up to me to decide.
And I have everything, thank you for your attention.
Modern life is very rich in various twists and turns of fate. Today loving friend a friend's spouse may be sworn enemies tomorrow. And very often it happens that, at first glance, a strong marriage ends in a loud divorce proceedings.
Today, no one is surprised at the quirks of both men and women. But most often there are men who are torn at two families... And such an ambiguous situation in modern world occurs very often. According to all laws in our country, polygamy is prohibited, it turns out that the status of one wife is considered legal, and the second woman will be a common-law wife. And often in both families there are heirs, and the wife knows that the man has a second family.
People always paint themselves a picture of a kind, gentle wife and bitch lover. But sometimes it happens that a decent man gets into such a situation. He genuinely tries to figure out the situation, but she absorbs him entirely. A man loves children, whom he does not intend to abandon, sympathizes with women, is afraid of losing both, is wary of shame and sidelong glances, does not know how to solve a huge problem. And the life of a man begins on two fronts.
This difficult situation presents families with a lot of suffering, because a man is trying to reconcile both families, and every woman wants to drag a loved one into her family. And it often happens that such confusing situations drag on for many years, and a man is torn into two families.
There are quite a few reasons when such families arise. The most common reason, due to which such double families appear, is financial well-being men. Very rich men want to diversify their family life and have a young one. The girl does not intend to lose her patron, and gives birth to children for him, while receiving the unspoken status of the second-place wife. If a man is able to provide for both families himself, then women put up with the presence of a rival, fearing to lose financial stability.
The second reason for such marriages is the female fear of loneliness. According to statistics, much less men are born than women, so the fear of a woman is quite justified. So she suffers a rival, each living his own life, and dividing a man for years.
But there are also cases when a man really adores and worships both women and does not intend to part with each one. They, in turn, are attached to one man. And it turns out to be a rather complex love triangle.
Often people live like this until the end of their days, but there are families who are keenly trying to find a way out of this difficult situation. At the main stage of solving the problem is understanding the truth - how this situation can end. Once progress has been made, the decision is much easier. And strange marriages cannot be understood as something good and acceptable, because everyone, including children, feels incredible suffering.
Endless jealousy is especially destructive. Whatever the woman says, on the subconscious she wants to return the man only to herself. And if she wants to achieve her goal, then there will be no rules for her.
Very common cases when both wives are in the process cold war stop thinking about their actions. Quarrels cross all legal boundaries. There were cases of disfigurement of faces by women with sulfuric acid.
Children suffer no less from such family stories. Indeed, most often a man lives with his legal wife, and pays less attention to his mistress. Children from the "second wife" may suffer from a lack of father's attention, although from the financial side they are provided with everything.
What is the final decision for a man to make?
But no matter how much the string twists, there will definitely be an end. No matter how many years a man is sprayed into two families, one day he will have to make a final decision, after which one woman is left with a terrible and certainty that her personal life did not work out.
The man in this whole story feels much better than women. After all, in any case, he himself will not remain. But at the same time, he forgets how much pain he brings to both families. After all, a person who loves will never hurt loved ones.
Only the participants themselves can find a way out of a rather difficult situation. And here it is necessary to take into account how two women and the male instigator look at such a situation. If all participants in the love process are absolutely happy with everything, then further stumbling blocks are pointless. But if one of the members of the love triangle suffers, then the problem must be solved urgently.
The wisest decision in married life is one thing: married men have no ties with strangers, and women never destroy other people's families. This is the only way to be truly happy. Women need to value themselves and not fall for such tangled relationships. Such a person who accidentally burst into life will not bring anything good. You should respect yourself, consider yourself a person, and then there will definitely be a soul mate.
It is not bitter to realize this, but in modern society situations are not uncommon when a man lives in two families. Of course, polygamy is prohibited in our country, but nobody talks about two wives. Usually one wife is official, and the other is civil or, as they say, a mistress. You can sympathize with both. A woman, unlike a representative of the stronger sex, is more prone to monogamy, so it is difficult to endure the understanding that she is not the only one with her beloved. Why do such situations arise, and is there a way out of them?
Who is hiding behind the face of the bigamist?
Psychologists note that double relationships are characteristic of a morally immature man. Relationships in a couple give a person a special integrity, but living in two families makes him torn between them, which, of course, is exhausting.
What are the reasons for this phenomenon?
One of the main and especially characteristic of our society is the financial security of a man. Most of today's rich people have not earned their capital at all. easy way... They are tired, and then there is a family routine that requires attention. In such a situation, many businessmen are looking for an outlet, and often it becomes a young "second wife", and not necessarily a beloved one. Another important fact - with a young beautiful girl so easily the illusion of one's own youth is created, the past years disappear, and with them all the problems. Therefore, a man supports his common-law wife, often has children from her, and provides them. At the same time, a divorce is not included in his plans, because he also loves an official wife in his own way, especially since he has gone through and experienced a lot with her.
However, sometimes a man really really loves both women, or at least believes in it. He is attached to them, to lose one of them is a great tragedy for him. This is not to say that a person does not suffer from remorse, some even try to break up with one of the women, but in most cases they are unsuccessful.
Can you be happy without being the only one?
Women often live quite well with their husbands, who are often not at home. Agree, this is more time for yourself, for gatherings with girlfriends or other things. In addition, if the husband does not plan to be at home, there is no need to stand by the stove cooking lunch or dinner.
This illusion of well-being, as a rule, persists until the moment when the woman finds out about the rival. Some wives are shocked to learn that their husband's eternal business trips were not business trips at all. It so happens that in the depths of her soul, a woman guessed that not everything is in order in a relationship, but she chased away bad thoughts from herself. One day, not at all beautiful, she learns that the man not only has another, but he literally lives with her, as with his wife. That's when a calm, harmonious life collapses.
What is a woman to do?
A man lives in two families - this is the very situation when it is impossible to give the only correct advice. Many women choose to endure their husband's bigamy for years. There can be many explanations for this: and material security, and the fear of depriving the child of his father, and even a common habit. Some continue to love the traitor, no matter what.
This situation is fraught with the emergence of many problems. Constant jealousy, suffering not only wear down a woman, but can cause various diseases, sometimes very serious. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that all diseases are from the nerves.
In addition, having found out who their rival is, some women may decide to take a desperate step. Everyone has heard stories of scandals and even women's fights, sometimes reminiscent of military battles.
Do not forget about children, both from an official wife and from a mistress. In any case, the child will suffer, watching the grief of the mother, the quarrels between the parents and the constant absence of the father. Good supply, prestigious Kindergarten or school, vacation in exotic countries will not help compensate the child for the lack of harmony in the family.
If at least one side suffers in a love triangle, of course, it would be better to end this relationship. It is known that in such cases, a man is rarely the initiator of a break with one of the women, so a woman should take the initiative into her own hands. Anyway, sooner or later, such a relationship will end, so maybe it would be better if this happens earlier?
Mention should also be made of situations where an ambiguous position suits all sides of the triangle. A wife may know about her husband's mistress, but not particularly worry about this: "if she goes mad, she will settle down." An unofficial wife can be satisfied with the fact that a man provides her. A man in such a situation will be all the more pleased: two wives and no conflicts between them. Often this situation persists until the death of one of the sides of the triangle. Interestingly, according to statistics, in most cases, it is the man who comes first from life, and often from heart disease. Probably, bigamists do not live quite calmly. 5 votes)
Oh, those modern customs! It seems that we do not live in the sultanate, where polygamy is allowed, and all the same, you can find so many oddities in different families! Well, maybe some people are comfortable with living with their husbands like in a harem, but what about love, healthy jealousy, how to raise children normally?
Even if a man is a bigamist, and has not gathered all his lovers in one house, then what if he lives in two families? You have him "the head of the family", and the rival has the boss in the house. What does he allow himself? Or is it his women allow him?
Is the mistress another family too?
No one is surprised by the fact that, for example, wealthy men have a mistress. For example, a secretary. How many anecdotes and tales on this topic! Kind of like a family man, home full bowl, the wife is beautiful, but no, she comes to work, and there his second beloved woman is waiting.
The team at work may know about this and gossip, someone condemns, someone jokes about this topic, but no one has a state of shock: a standard situation. But in fact this man is a bigamist, but no one would even think of it.
But here's the thing:
The day is divided into home and work. In addition to sleeping, this man spends the same time with both.
He supports his wife because it is customary in families, but he will not deprive his mistress either of finances or gifts.
Regular sex can be with one or the other. Tenderness, sweet words and love is the same - in half.
And there seems to be nothing unnatural: in fact, he is a family man. But if we take into account all these three points, then we can still conclude: a mistress is practically the same second wife. Only it is easier for her - less household chores, if only sometimes a romantic dinner is cooked.
How could you even miss the fact that your husband has another woman? Moreover, they have been together for more than one year, just like with you! Plus - they even managed to make a common baby! How?
It is clear that the professions associated with endless business trips have not been canceled. But how could you not be interested in where your husband is and what he is doing for several years? Who is he: a CIA agent? An invisible front fighter? James Bond?
Usually, such "incidents" occur in families where the head of the family is not noticed at close range. Going on a business trip? Well, and the "duty" fried chicken on your way. I arrived? Give me the money. No passion, conversations at an everyday level. So the man found the second berth, where he is truly loved and expected.
Why has he still not confessed to his wife about his double life? There may be various reasons:
Everything suits him: in the first family they do not notice, in the other they endure, why should he twitch?
He was about to confess, but the moment was not right. And then everything became clear.
He was afraid of divorce for some reason: children in the first family, career, relatives will condemn.
Well, since you suddenly found out everything, then life can change dramatically - you file for divorce, and he may breathe a sigh of relief and pack up his suitcases to the one to whom he runs on his "business trips". Alimony for the child will be assigned, and the first family will be gone. And this, in general, will be the most correct decision.
In this situation, of course, you want to take revenge. Especially the one who knew everything and fooled you along with your spouse. In the article, you may find the right way for yourself.
But if you look from the other side, what surprised you in what happened? If you didn't really notice your husband, can you leave everything as it is? How did you live before that? Your self-esteem is just crushed. You will just become more hysterical and more demanding. It's hard, isn't it? Therefore, it is better to get a divorce to make life easier for everyone.
And so it happens: you suffer with jealousy, you suffer, but you cannot let go of him. And friends in a conversation with you twist at the temple, they say, you fool, file for divorce, what kind of harem did your fool spread?
Well, not all your girlfriends are "subtle psychologists" to understand you. It's easier for them - they twisted it at their temples, condemned it and left, and you continue to suffer. Or maybe not everything is so scary as you "drew" everything for yourself. Read the article - maybe there is your case.
Well, if everything is so deplorable, and you yourself know perfectly well that your man often leaves for another family, then you can be understood somewhere. And let others consider you a fool - you cannot live with them.
Your reasons are most likely banal:
The fear of being left alone, of losing a man in the house, and there is no way to replace him with another master.
Love for your husband is so strong that you are ready to close your eyes to his infidelity, just not to lose.
Divorce is a terrible shame for you. That is how you were raised. And the worst thing is that the children learn about Daddy's spree.
Here's how to calm you down? Well, except that you are not the only one. Surprisingly, many women would rather sob into their pillow than be completely alone. They hope that the husband will come to his senses, walk up and return to the family forever.
This male decision can last for years. And even for a while it seems that he really changed his mind: he becomes an exemplary family man, settled down, in the evenings and nights at home. But if he did not break off relations on the side, then everything will return to normal. Again his departure, again waiting at the window.
The mistake of such patient women is that they do not prepare the ground for a new relationship, preferring to remain a meek sheep. But in fact, nothing holds her for a new novel.
But, for some reason, such ladies begin to look for an excuse for themselves:
I am old, fat, ugly, no one will bite me.
How will the children look at it? They will hate me for being a walker.
What if I don't succeed? My husband will leave me, and I will be left alone.
Let your husband do what he wants: he comes home, goes to bed after your rival, and you simultaneously start having an affair with someone. Only seriously, not an easy affair. By the way, perhaps the spouse will sense your coldness and changes in behavior, get scared and will go back to you forever. But whether you want to accept it is another question.
If there is virtually no family
Do not create illusions about the integrity of the family if it has already broken up. Some women believe this: even though the husband has another woman, and he lives with a rival, it is still she, the wife, who has the right to a man. And what? Children from him, the stamp in the passport is still there - then everything is fine.
No, honey, this man is not a bag of potatoes on the invoice. His soul is already far away - on the other. Doesn't have a stamp in the passport now of great importance... And he comes to you only because he wants to see his children. "Sunday dad" - have you heard such a phrase?
When you meet the second person, you fall in love and you can't choose - stop at the second one. If you love the first one, you won't even notice the others.
Johnny Depp
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the super ability to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: she looked at a man - and immediately you know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article right now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any relationship problems at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you will not read other people's thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate psychological sciences, and her technique helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.
If you're interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 places specifically for visitors to our site.